As the host of a major motorsports talkshow (not as big as the LTN Radio Network, apparently, but still pretty big), I have increasingly found myself exposed to a new way of thinking about NASCAR racing. At first, I rebelled against it, fearing that this "Attitude of Entitlement" would destroy the sport. Little by little, however, I have been beaten down by this Chinese Water Torture of progressive, politically correct thinking, until today, I awoke fully and completely indoctriniated in the kinder, gentler way of doing things.
As a service to my new PC brethren -- and in an effort to convert the few stragglers still not on board -- I have jotted down 12 rules that I believe should govern the sport of NASCAR racing from now on:
1. I should not have to qualify for races. I have sponsors to satisfy, so NASCAR should guarantee me a spot in every race, regardless of how poorly I perform.
2. NASCAR should continue to reward me handsomely for things I did decades ago, despite the fact that I haven’t run in the Top-20 since the Nixon Administration.
3. Qualifying should be based on the size of my sponsorship, not the speed of my race car.
4. Independent teams should not be allowed to race, since they will almost certainly make me look bad by outrunning me.
5. I should be allowed to regain all my lost laps, without actually having to pass anyone.
6. I should be allowed to park my car immediately after the race begins, but still be paid as if I ran the entire event. After all, it’s not about actually competing, it’s about making the most money possible with the least amount of effort.
7. If I finish worse than 20th, I should be awarded 20th place points. It’s not my fault that I suck, and I’ve got a sponsor to protect.
8. NASCAR should expand the “Chase For The Nextel Cup” field until it is virtually impossible for me to miss the cut.
9. Once the Chase begins, I should be awarded Top-10 points, regardless of where I actually finish.
10. Chase races should be limited to only Chase-eligible drivers, to preclude the possibility of me actually having to pass anyone.
11. At its annual Awards Banquet, NASCAR should make a big deal out of the guy who finishes eleventh. After all, eleventh place is just as good as first.
12. NASCAR should never – under any circumstances -- make me do anything difficult in order to succeed. I'm told that the quest for excellence can be stressful, and everyone knows that stress is bad for you.