Despite Groveling, Scelzi Still Banned

Well, we all knew it would happen, and it did. Turncoat backstabbing ingrate Gary Scelzi snuck onto the show Wednesday -- posing as "Dominic from California" on the listener lines -- to try and worm his way back into our good graces.

It didn't work.

For those unfamiliar with the whole, tawdry story, the four-time NHRA World Champion has been a frequent and familiar guest on "Sirius Speedway," cracking jokes, telling lies, and generally fitting in well with the rest of the Crew. We, in return, served as his personal psychiatrists through most of last season; bolstering his spirits in the down times (of which there were many) and celebrating with him in the good times. Truth be told, Scelzi would never have won the 2006 Funny Car title without us. His psyche was so fragile, his confidence so shaken at times, that without our constant encouragement, he would have folded faster than a set of Motel 6 sheets.

And what did we get for that unflinching support?

The back of Scelzi's hand.

Last Thursday, Scelzi slinked across the street to our direct competitor; Bubba The Contraceptive Sponge. Yes, Bubba's a member of the Sirius Satellite Radio family, just like us. But his show airs opposite ours, and the bottom line is that if you're listening to him, you're not listening to us. We take that kind of thing seriously, so imagine our displeasure on Monday when, within the first 10 minutes of the show, the phone lines lit up with reports of his indiscretion.

At first, it didn't seem like that big a deal. But the more I thought about it, the madder I got. It's kind of like going away for the weekend, then coming home to find your wife in bed with your next-door neighbor. So I did what any self-respecting radio host would do. I banned his butt from the show. Forever. And a day.

Fan support for the move was overwhelming. A few misguided souls pleaded for mercy on his behalf, saying that since we were on vacation that day and running a "Best Of Sirius Speedway" program, he hadn't really cheated on us. Those were the callers that got hung up on.

Wednesday, the Big Meatball came crawling back, as we all knew he would. At first, he tried to blame his treachery on his sponsors, claiming that Mopar had forced him to appear on BTCS's show. That went over like gas at Sunday Mass, and after humoring him for a few moments, I basically threw him off our airwaves...again. That's where it stood, until Pentastar fanatic (and former Scelzi fan) Mopar Ken phoned with a compromise. His suggestion was so good, so creative, that I agreed to allow Scelzi back, so long as he follows Ken's instructions to the letter.

So here's the deal, Gary. At 12 noon on Saturday, April 1, 2006 -- qualifying day at the O'Reilly NHRA Spring Nationals at Houston Raceway Park -- you, Gary Scelzi, will walk up to the John Force Racing souvenir trailer and purchase (with your own money) three 1:24 scale diecast collectible models of Force's Castrol GTX Ford Mustang Funny Car. You will then take those diecast collectibles to Force himself, to have them personally autographed for each of us, with the following inscription...

"To My Friend (Insert Name Here) -- Love, John Force."

Suzy would like "XXOO" added to hers. Marty and I will pass on the Xs and Os. You will then personally deliver the diecasts to us in the opulent MRN Radio studios, during the show.

Those are our demands. Fulfill them, and you wil be allowed back on the program, assuming you ever again do anything on the racetrack worthy of talking about. Omit even the tiniest detail, and you and your buddy the Sponge can spend the rest of your wretched little lives together.

It's your call.