Things That Really Tick Me Off

The older I get, the more I find myself becoming annoyed by things that didn’t used to bother me at all. I laughed at the movie “Grumpy Old Men,” but now, I see myself becoming one of them. Things that used to pass unnoticed now ruin my entire day, and I fear it’s only a matter of time before I begin berating innocent waitresses because the romaine is wilted at the salad bar.

One of my pet peeves is people who say stupid things, apparently without thinking. Not a week goes by without someone asking, “Who do you think is going to win this week?” If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be hosting a satellite radio talk show. I’d be playing the ponies at Aqueduct!

People often tell me, "life is short.” They’re wrong. Life is NOT short. It’s the longest thing we will ever do. So stop telling me that.

I also hate people who say, "Can I ask you a question?" No matter how I reply, it’s too late. They just did.

I’m sick of TV ads that call their product “new and improved.” Common sense tells us that something cannot be both “new” and “improved.” It’s one or the other, but not both.

And when I’m watching a movie, please don’t tap me on the shoulder and say, "Did you see that?" I spent $55 dollars to fill the car with gas, drove to the movie theatre, and paid $27 for a ticket, a box of over-salted popcorn and a flat Diet Coke. What do you think I’m doing, watching Milk Duds roll across the floor?

Around the house, I have issues with teenagers who will spend 20 minutes searching for the T.V. remote, but refuse to walk eight steps to change the channel manually. Have we become so lazy that we’d rather endure a three-county search for a misplaced “clicker” than drag our bloated carcasses across the room?

And finally, why do people insist on pointing at their wrists when asking for the time? I know where my wristwatch is, and I don’t need anyone’s help to find it! Why the sudden outbreak of sign language? Should I point at my crotch to ask where the men’s room is?

Thanks for listening, everyone. I feel a little better.