An Investment Opportunity Too Good To Pass Up

Talladega Superspeedway is being repaved this month, and I guess it was only a matter of time before some smart cookie figured out a way to make a quick buck off the process.

On sale now at the eBay internet auction site is a genuine chuck of asphalt recently excavated from the speedway. A description of the item breathlessly describes it as one of the first pieces torn from the middle lane in Turn Three, adding, "You too can own a piece of history! Imagine the drivers that have raced over this very piece. Wow!" The chunk measures 12 by 6 inches, and had brought a high bid of 10 dollars, as of midday yesterday.

The fact that someone is willing to pay actual money for a piece of ripped-up asphalt gave me a great idea. My neighbor tore up his driveway earlier this week, and the old asphalt is piled near the street right now, waiting to be hauled away. Last night, under cover of darkness, I crept stealthily across my backyard and "borrowed" 15-20 good-sized clumps of asphalt. Later today, I will put them up for bid on eBay as "genuine Talladega asphalt."

I too am going to be rich! Imagine the money I'll make! Wow!

Next week, I'll be selling lumps of sod from the infield at North Wilkesboro. Or my backyard. Whatever. The week after that, I'll be auctioning off my prized possession; a muffler clamp from the car Lee Petty drove to victory in the inaugural Daytona 500 in 1959. For all you know.

Check back soon for more information on these incredible offers, and don't forget to bid early and often!