Random Thoughts From A Weekend Without Racing

No, go ahead. YOU eat it...

Mr. Promoter, if you don’t eat your concession stand cheeseburgers, why should I? 

A good car count is good. A good fan count is better. 

Any short track race that requires three days to complete is far too important for its own good. 

“Kids Under 10 Admitted Free When Accompanied By An Adult.” 

If one driver has won more than 30% of your races this year without pulling the oil pan off his engine, your tech man is not doing his job. Weekly, random, post-race teardowns are inconvenient, unpleasant, and absolutely vital. 

Drivers want to go faster, and will spend whatever it takes to do so.  

The faster the car, the worse the race. 

When you cancel a race and it’s not raining, you insult the intelligence of every paying fan. People would rather sit in the rain than drive home in the sunshine. 

 

"You want me to race WHERE?"

If Tony Stewart has never raced at your track, he’s probably never been asked.

 

Do race tracks advertise on the radio anymore?  

I haven’t seen a real “Strictly Stock” division in years. Lots of “Lenient Stocks,” but nothing strict. 

 

Blaming Saturday Night Sprint Cup racing for your empty grandstands is easy, and allows you ignore the fact that you’re running a really crappy show.  

Don’t complain when your race team fails to turn a profit. My buddy likes to fish. He bought a boat, trailer, downriggers, fish finder unit and thousands of dollars’ worth of rods, reels and tackle. He hasn’t gotten a dime of it back, and never will. 

A $200,000 stacker trailer never won a race. 

An empty seat never bought a hot dog. 

Any track announcer who lays down the microphone when the yellow flag flies should be beaten about the head and shoulders. 

As more tracks rely on the back gate to pay their purse, we inch closer and closer to SCCA-style, “pay-to-play” club racing. That’s not a good thing. 

"Good news ladies, it's only 90% full!"

I’ll patronize a Port-o-Let on an 85-degree day, and ignore the lack of toilet paper. My wife won’t. Make a note of it.

 

If your track has more than two divisions running aftermarket bodies, your track has too many divisions. 

Chrome wheels aren’t any faster, but damn they look good! 

There are very few real promoters out there anymore. Plenty of track owners, but very few promoters. 

Tracks should offer their competitors a 200-pound weight break for running stock, steel bodies from 1975 or before. It’s called “personality.” 

With tracks relying almost exclusively on electronic scoring these days, I’m afraid we’ve seen the last of race cars with a “$,” a “?” or “No Cents” on the door.  

Do Scouts and Little Leaguers get into your track at least once a year for free? They should. Young people are the future of the sport. And the world. Hook them now, or never.
 

The guy who buys eight tires usually beats the guy who buys four.

I don’t recall the last time I saw a poster for a local short track stapled to a telephone pole, or in the window of a corner gas station. 

For that matter, what happened to corner gas stations? The kind with two bays, a mechanic on duty and a coupe-bodied modified out front? I can’t get anyone to check my oil anymore, but I can get a double-mocha latte, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Money and a Powerball ticket. That’s progress, I suppose. 

Yeah, but he also has a HANS Device!

If your chassis is brand new and your helmet is 12 years old, it’s time for a new set of priorities.

Anyone who flips gets a $100 bonus. Climb out and go “Gangnam Style” on the overturned remains? $200! 

If you’re a five-time champion in the low-buck division, you’ve got it figured out. Time to move up. 

Shockingly, French fries taste even better when served HOT. 

No official has ever been able to explain how teams save money by throwing away parts they already own and replacing them with new, less-expensive parts. 

Time trials suck. If you disagree, you almost certainly own a race track, rather than patronizing one. 

When attempting to determine how much someone will spend on a race car, take their total net worth and multiply by two. 

There is no excuse for not starting a race program on time. None. If you bought a ticket for the 7:30 showing at your local Movieplex, then sat waiting in the dark until 8:15, you’d never go back again.  

If you can’t build a competitive, entry level car for $1,000 or less, it’s not an “entry level” class. 

If you can’t afford nomex gloves, you can’t afford to race. 

Drivers who load up and leave without signing autographs for the fans are not doing their part to sell the sport. 

There’s just no beating a good baloney burger and onion rings. 

Bigger purses do not attract more racers. They simply convince the racers you do have to spend more money.